i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
