Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
