Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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