I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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