a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
