If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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