I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
