I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize