Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Vodka?
Forever.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
