Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
