So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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