I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
