There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
