Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
