The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
