I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
