But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The air taste purple.
Randomize
