my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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