your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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