she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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