I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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