4 words: hood of his car
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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