party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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