Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
