"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
