Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize