Four minutes until I can fart!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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