If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
