The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
