Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
