I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
