Betty ford says i'm here all night
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
