If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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