Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
