So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
