I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
