The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
