I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
