My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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