I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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