I am spending my child support on dildos
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Randomize
