I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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