dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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