New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
