I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
