Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
