I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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