would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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