My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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