She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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