u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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