So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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