So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize