Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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