found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
how does that bad decision feel?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
