My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
