Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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