dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
