i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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