What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
